Sorry for my depressing posts.

But just one more. Don't read it if you don't want to feel miserable, I just need to get this off my chest!

So I get home from college after a good day, like this has been my first proper good day since me and Matt split up. I hadn't even thought about it. So guess what I found out when I got home? Matt has a girlfriend! After not even two weeks of splitting up. It would be a lie to say I'm not heartbroken. I am devastated. I feel cheated. I feel used. I feel like I was nothing. After two and a half years together and he can't even wait two weeks to get with someone else. That's why he didn't fight for me, that's why he didn't care we split up, he already had someone else in line.

But I feel more annoyed with myself, I always knew deep down that they had a thing for each other, not so long ago he admitted he fancied her before he got with me! He always used to delete his texts off her, he'd get all flustered and agitated if she text when I was with him and he'd be quick to delete those texts too. He always used to very quickly deny things if I ever asked about her. I actually feel so sick writing this. I'm ashamed of myself for putting this to the side and not properly thinking about it. As much as I regret saying this, I'm ashamed I spent two years with him if this is how he treats me now. I'm ashamed I lost my virginity to him (so sorry if this is way too much info). Today I was only telling my best friend that I wasn't ashamed he was the guy I lost it to, because he was good, he cared about me. Like shit he cared about me. I really don't care if I'm over-exaggerating, because I'm not, there's other things I really want to put in this blog post but I can't because if people I know in real life found out, life would get trickier. And those things make him sound worse. Because the thing is with him, he makes himself a really good boyfriend but before you're his boyfriend and after you've finished with him, which I've now realised, he changes into this horrible, disgusting, self-centered dick head. The only person he cares about in the world is himself.

Without sounding like I feel sorry for myself, I deal with stress way too much as it is, I honestly probably do need help, one of my friends has told me I need help! But to have this thrown on top as well just crushes me. That doesn't even describe it. I'm crying historically, shaking but feeling numb at the same time, my palpitations have come back and I feel as though I'm going to be sick every 2 minutes.

If someone only claimed to love you and care for you so much just two weeks ago, how could they already be over you and onto someone else already? 

...Because they never even loved or cared.

I've got to face the facts that the first guy I ever loved was a guy based around lies. (It may not sound like much in this post but there's a lot more that could be said.) Yes I have been a bitch to him in the last few hours telling him what I think of him and how he has made me feel like shit over the last few years, and yes I've been a bitch on this blog post. But so fucking what. He's happy in a relationship and I'm left to pick myself up. What else am I supposed to do?

Good luck to her and I hope she gets out faster than I did.