Growing up and making decisions.

In the last few weeks I've really started to feel my age, if not a little bit older, I kind of know why, I kind of don't.

Obviously because I've been looking into moving away from home in September and then moving to America for a few months next year, I feel a lot more independent and (this will sound quite bad but I don't mean it in the tone it sounds) I feel like I don't really need my mum as much as I used to. Obviously I need her in my life, but I feel like I'm ready to move out now and I think I have for a long time. I'm very much an independent person and like to get things done on my own, and I believe moving out will give me independence I've wanted for a while now.

Okay, who loves my brother's Harry Potter glasses? He definitely started the trend. At age 13 on the right when I started to take a fancy to those things called 'boys'. & with my mum in Menorca last year. 

Then I was asked on a date which I guess creeped me out a little - I've never been on a proper date. With my ex, we never went on a date, we kind of just got together and had kind of date things when we were together. But I've never been on a date date. Like one where you go out with someone to get to know them before you're actually together (woah, did that even make sense?!). I actually made the decision the reject the guy, which I felt kind of mean about, but I'm not 14 anymore and I don't want to jump at the chance of going out with a guy just because he's asked me on a date. I think at 14/15 I was desperate to just have a boyfriend, the idea seemed amazing, but I don't think I was thinking about whether I was actually ready to be in a relationship. 

Right now I don't feel ready for a boyfriend - I seriously do not want that attachment to someone. I can't be bothered texting someone "Morning!" or "Night, love you!", it's just... ugh, it doesn't feel like my kind of thing. I know it sounds silly but that makes me feel really old. I don't feel like a young teenager anymore, I don't feel the need to rely on someone being there for me 24/7.

Then I got asked something which made me really think about what I want. And what I think I want makes me feel old. I still look at myself as a kid to be honest, but this thing that I got asked is so... adult-y ha! I'm still yet to make my mind up about it, but the problem is I'm not entirely sure what to respond!

I feel like I've changed so much in the last year, some good ways and bad!!

It's such a weird feeling growing up though. I've always wanted to grow up and get out and live my own life as soon as possible, but the actual feeling of growing up - I don't like it so much.

Jazz

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