Very lengthy post!!
Okay, as I warned in my previous post (which I have not even wrote yet...), this is definitely a deep subject to talk about, but I think it needs talking about. I'm actually writing this at the beginning of June, hence why I haven't done a 'previous' post yet! So I have no idea when this will be posted, hopefully in the next few weeks.
(I apologise in advance that it probably is confusing at parts, I was really nervous writing it and really worried someone will find it outside of my blog.)
Okay, as I warned in my previous post (which I have not even wrote yet...), this is definitely a deep subject to talk about, but I think it needs talking about. I'm actually writing this at the beginning of June, hence why I haven't done a 'previous' post yet! So I have no idea when this will be posted, hopefully in the next few weeks.
(I apologise in advance that it probably is confusing at parts, I was really nervous writing it and really worried someone will find it outside of my blog.)
Anyway... I don't quite know where to start with this, I feel a bit awkward! Right I will jump straight into this, sorry if it's blunt! But I can't talk about the subject without explaining why I'm talking about it... Maybe you've already figured this out. I was abused as a kid. I don't know exactly what age this started, it started at around the time of my earliest memories, which is about 4 years old, so it could have started before that age or up to the age of 5 I presume, I have no idea really. It carried on until the age of about 9 or 10. And this was sexual abuse. My dad did this to me. Maybe you've wondered why in the past I have mentioned I don't like him or don't speak with him anymore. That's why! I'm going to go quite into this because there's no point bringing it up and leaving the majority of it out, so first of all I will explain my story of it, then I will write about what I mainly wanted to talk about to try and get a message across. I'll put a red heading over that bit, so if you want to skip straight to that please do!
I was pretty lucky though, the way he did it. It sounds really wrong saying I was lucky, no one is lucky to be abused, but the way he did it, what he did and the amount of times it probably happened, I was pretty lucky compared to many kids who are abused. It sickens me to say this, but he was kind during this time, probably too kind, he treated me very well, but in a disgusting way looking back. I know he treated me like this so that I would let him do what he did. He wasn't horrible the way he did it. I can't explain really. He never forced me to do anything, but he would make me feel bad if I didn't, and what kid wants to let their dad down? He lives in Sweden and only visited a few times a year, so I was only abused every few months, not day after day like many kids are. And he never raped me from what I remember. So I am lucky, very lucky.
Only two people know about this. (And now however many people read this!) The first person I told was my friend when I was 12. I told her because I broke down in McDonalds (of all places I know!). On the TV that morning a woman was talking about her father abusing her as a child (if you watched the first vlog I did on the breakup, I mentioned something was upsetting me that I had seen on TV, this was a very similar thing on TV). That's when I realised exactly what he had done to me. The aftermath of this: I started to abuse myself. I would scratch at my skin with maths equipment, my nails, any sharp object I would come across. I would punch myself until I bruised, dig my nails in my skin until I drew blood and I would pull out clumps of my hair. Then I stopped eating. I would pretend to eat my breakfast in the morning, sell my lunch at school and put the money back in my mum's purse, and would pick at my tea in the evening (we eat tea as a family so I couldn't not eat it) and when my mum was in the bath after tea, I would walk up and down the stairs as much as possible and do step ups on the sofa to burn off the calories I gained. & no one ever noticed. I hated myself. I absolutely hated myself. I never spoke to my friend about it again. I don't know why, we just never brought it up. After a few years I presumed she thought I was lying and was doing it for attention. But I had to bring it up about 2 months ago and I think it may have hit her then that it actually did happen. And Matt was obviously the other person I told (I told him when I was 14 before we got together). I never really spoke about it with him after I told him. I didn't need to. I was abused, what else was there to say? I never told either of them exactly how I was abused, just that I wasn't raped, which is considered the "serious" thing of sexual abuse. But any abuse is serious, which is what I mainly wanted to talk about. I just needed to tell you why I am talking about this first! (Nearly done with this part.) I also vaguely remember trying to give out hints to people about what happened but no one ever twigged on, I think I was being too subtle about it! Another time I was throwing the worst tantrum ever (about the age of 9) because I didn't want to go on a canoe trip with my dad in Sweden and my mum didn't understand why I didn't want to go and she was getting stressed with me to the point she really sharply asked "has he done something to you that you haven't told me?" but I just didn't think to say the truth, I just automatically shouted 'no'.
How did I get through it? I actually have no idea to be quite honest, I don't really recall much of the time I went through it. I used to keep a diary but I didn't write about it in case my mum ever read it. I often referred to it as 'the thing' if I needed to mention it. I didn't really think it happened for a long time, I thought it might have been my imagination. My dad wrote me a birthday card at like age 13/14 or something (I stopped all contact with him at 12) and he wrote in it "I don't know what I've done to make you not speak to me, I've never done anything wrong to you", which really confused me making me think it was my imagination.
There were actually two songs I used to listen to round the time I realised it happened. One was a Christina Aguilera song and I used to listen to it when I was feeling down about it (I'm one of those people that can listen to a song and feel a million times better, or a million times worse! But this song definitely made me feel better.) Then this song used to be on a child abuse advert around the same time, I think it's actually about having a child or giving birth or something if I remember rightly, but it does kind of fit with abuse as well. I don't think it really got me through it, it was one of them songs that actually made me feel worse, but kind of in a way where you feel worse before you feel better. I do like the lyrics to both of them and at the time they were pretty fitting I guess. Everyone interprets songs in different ways.
Then you may wonder why I love David Tennant and Billie Piper so much! Again, they were on my TV together round the time, and it was the only thing I looked forward to each week for 3 months, and they were the only people who could properly put a smile on my face! It's weird because I've never met them and they're celebrities, but I do think the programme at the time really did make me feel better.
I think these things are probably laughable! Like how did these things help me get through it!? But I was only 12 and I think at that age you do go through a faze (is that how you spell it?) where you obsess with celebrities (hence the Bieber, One Direction fangirls now) but mine were for a completely different reason mainly. I think I would have loved them regardless though!
I mainly got through it on my own though. Obviously I went through the stages of hurting myself and not eating but I got out of it which is the main thing! I think it's just having belief in yourself that helps you get through it. And I didn't want it to define who I was as a person, even though people didn't/don't know it happened, I didn't want to define myself as a girl who was abused, it's not who I am, it's just part of my past which I accept.
How did I get through it? I actually have no idea to be quite honest, I don't really recall much of the time I went through it. I used to keep a diary but I didn't write about it in case my mum ever read it. I often referred to it as 'the thing' if I needed to mention it. I didn't really think it happened for a long time, I thought it might have been my imagination. My dad wrote me a birthday card at like age 13/14 or something (I stopped all contact with him at 12) and he wrote in it "I don't know what I've done to make you not speak to me, I've never done anything wrong to you", which really confused me making me think it was my imagination.
There were actually two songs I used to listen to round the time I realised it happened. One was a Christina Aguilera song and I used to listen to it when I was feeling down about it (I'm one of those people that can listen to a song and feel a million times better, or a million times worse! But this song definitely made me feel better.) Then this song used to be on a child abuse advert around the same time, I think it's actually about having a child or giving birth or something if I remember rightly, but it does kind of fit with abuse as well. I don't think it really got me through it, it was one of them songs that actually made me feel worse, but kind of in a way where you feel worse before you feel better. I do like the lyrics to both of them and at the time they were pretty fitting I guess. Everyone interprets songs in different ways.
Then you may wonder why I love David Tennant and Billie Piper so much! Again, they were on my TV together round the time, and it was the only thing I looked forward to each week for 3 months, and they were the only people who could properly put a smile on my face! It's weird because I've never met them and they're celebrities, but I do think the programme at the time really did make me feel better.
I think these things are probably laughable! Like how did these things help me get through it!? But I was only 12 and I think at that age you do go through a faze (is that how you spell it?) where you obsess with celebrities (hence the Bieber, One Direction fangirls now) but mine were for a completely different reason mainly. I think I would have loved them regardless though!
I mainly got through it on my own though. Obviously I went through the stages of hurting myself and not eating but I got out of it which is the main thing! I think it's just having belief in yourself that helps you get through it. And I didn't want it to define who I was as a person, even though people didn't/don't know it happened, I didn't want to define myself as a girl who was abused, it's not who I am, it's just part of my past which I accept.
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| The ages it happened and the photos he probably took. |
The main message.
Really, I just wanted to speak about kids and whether they know what abuse is. When I was abused, I obviously didn't know I was being abused. The reason I didn't know was because I was never taught or told what was wrong. I didn't know it was wrong for me to be touched in my private area or that it was wrong for me to be encouraged to touch an adult. I had no idea what was going on. (I actually had no idea what a vagina was called, I called it the 'front bottom' LOL, embarrassing times.)
Kids actually need to be told what is wrong, people are trying to prevent child abuse, but how can they prevent it when the kids themselves don't even know what it is? And this means what is wrong with any kind of abuse, physical, verbal, cyber, sexual, any kind. The "minor" things, the "major" things. The "bits in the middle". They should know that even abuse just happening one time, no matter how small it big it was, is still abuse, it doesn't matter if it's happened one time, 5 times or a thousand times, it is still wrong and should not have happened. But I reckon a lot of kids don't know what is wrong in what happens to them. I really doubt my 5 year old self knew that my dad touching me was wrong. He told me it was "our secret". I used to think it happened with every father and daughter but it had to stay secret between them. I'm actually really scared to publish this, because in a way I still believe this! I'm pretty scared people will email me and tell me I'm stupid and this does happen between fathers and daughters! Good God, I hope not. But anyway, no kid should have to feel like this. Sooo.... I don't want to seem bossy or patronizing or anything, but I want to make people aware of this, and you know, if you have kids or little brothers or sisters, nieces, nephews, or know any kids in general, please do try and make sure that they know that it is wrong for people to harm them in any way whatsoever, because if they don't know, then how are they going to know that something bad has happened to them if it does happen? What are the chances of them telling someone? They might just consider it as normal, like I did. Which is why I have never told my mum or any relative. By the time I realised what had happened was wrong, I was too ashamed to tell her and I still am. I am planning on telling her this summer, but to be honest I doubt I will, I know I will chicken out last minute.
(PLEASE though, if you are not the parent of the kid, don't talk to the kids yourselves about this, maybe just ask their parents subtly if they have talked to their kids about this stuff. I have no idea how though! I think the parents would want to be the ones to talk about that kind of stuff!)
(PLEASE though, if you are not the parent of the kid, don't talk to the kids yourselves about this, maybe just ask their parents subtly if they have talked to their kids about this stuff. I have no idea how though! I think the parents would want to be the ones to talk about that kind of stuff!)
Oh and then I wanted to say that make sure these kids know that they have someone to talk to, whether it be you or another relative or family friend... or make sure they have the number to Childline or something in case they don't feel comfortable to talk to about it with someone face to face. I know that if you're a mother or father and your child chooses to talk to a random stranger on the phone about a problem over talking to you yourself, that must be disheartening. But at least they spoke to someone instead of suffering on their own. (I actually spoke with Childline about a month ago or so when I really needed someone to talk to about it and they were really helpful, so I'd recommend it if you are under 18 and need to talk about something.)
I don't want any child to go through the aftermath of abuse like I did. Some may deal with it much better, some may deal with it worse. But they shouldn't have to deal with it at all. And the chances of them being abused might be decreased if they know fully what abuse is. And if they are abused, the chances of them talking about this might be increased if they are told throughout their childhood that there is always someone to talk to, no matter who. I'm not criticising the way I was brought up, but I feel like if I knew these things, my childhood might have been slightly different. I could be wrong, but it's what I think.
Anyway, please do try and share the message that abuse needs to be discussed with children. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone in this, but it is my honest opinion and belief that this is one of "those" conversations that should be talked about from a young age.
& I apologize if this has been a pretty uncomfortable post but I really wanted to discuss this in hope that it would encourage others to tell kids what exactly abuse is as soon as possible, and that it is ok for them to talk about things to someone, whether it be a parent, cousin, teacher, stranger on the phone. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself this! I just want people to know kids don't know these things and it would be the worst attitude to think "oh it wont happen to my child/little brother/whoever", as awful as it is, it could happen to anyone, so it is important that they know about these things. The statistics are actually pretty high for child abuse. I actually know of a girl I used to speak to who was neglected by her mother and favoured her sister to the extent social services got involved. It is more common that a lot of people probably think! More common than I thought, I admit.
I understand it is probably very awkward to bring up, the older the kid, the more awkward, but once it is done the first time, it's easier to talk about from then on. Here is a link if you want to know how to talk to children about sexual abuse if you are unsure on how to start the conversation. I would not have a clue so I suppose it's a pretty good guide.
I also saw this video the other day about domestic abuse in adults which I will put in because it sends a pretty good message.
I understand it is probably very awkward to bring up, the older the kid, the more awkward, but once it is done the first time, it's easier to talk about from then on. Here is a link if you want to know how to talk to children about sexual abuse if you are unsure on how to start the conversation. I would not have a clue so I suppose it's a pretty good guide.
I also saw this video the other day about domestic abuse in adults which I will put in because it sends a pretty good message.
Like I said before, I am planning on telling my mum this summer, because he does have access to 4 children currently and I so hope to God that he hasn't done anything to them. I don't even know what will happen if I tell her, I'm pretty worried she won't believe me, but I'll have to face that when the time comes if it does. I promise I will update on this.
I'm not accepting comments on this post, but if you would like to email me about anything, then please do. If you're curious about a bit more about what happened to me or I dunno, anything, then honestly please don't hesitate to ask anything at all, I really don't mind. I'd be happy to answer any question or discuss anything.
I'm not accepting comments on this post, but if you would like to email me about anything, then please do. If you're curious about a bit more about what happened to me or I dunno, anything, then honestly please don't hesitate to ask anything at all, I really don't mind. I'd be happy to answer any question or discuss anything.
I hope I have made people a bit more aware about child abuse if anyone has managed to read all of this! Sorry it was so long and a bit repetitive.
Jazz
Jazz
