Missing a friend.

Two posts in one day. Wow, I'm feeling chatty. 

I've been a little stressed the last few days about my upcoming exams because I just know I'm not going to pass them. And it gets annoying when I try and talk to people about this and they're just like "ohhh yeah you will pass them", but I know I won't pass them, so this is annoying because they actually expect me to pass them but I know there is no chance in hell of this happening.

And this has made me feel a little emotional because I know of someone else who wouldn't say that. They'd actually try and help me feel a little less stressed. But I can't talk to them. Yes, you probably guessed right if you had a guess. Matt. 

Yes, I have said I am over him, and I am over him. But he was still my best friend, and I can't get over that I lost a best friend (I do have other best friends and close friends, but he was a different kind of best friend, I can't really explain it). He was the only person in the world who fully understood me and I could talk to about anything. The relationship was over a long time before we actually broke up, in the end we were just best friends, so when we did actually break up, it was kind of like saying to each other (in my eyes anyway) "right lets not be best friends anymore". Which meant "oh we can't speak as much anymore or speak to each other like we used to". Then when all that other stuff happened and I had a go at him and stuff, we obviously decided it was best we didn't have contact for a few months, so he could get on with his new girlfriend without me getting in the way, and so I could cool down and try and move on. And even though we will probably speak in August (if he chooses to get back in touch) and we can try and be friends again, I know we'll never be best friends again, or probably even close friends. And that really kills because I couldn't have asked for a better best friend, yeah I guess I didn't really like him as a boyfriend towards the end, we just weren't right for each other, but I can't say that he wasn't a great friend, because he really, really was. And I completely understand that he would probably find it too weird to be that close again because he has got a new girlfriend, and she might find that weird and wrong and everything. 

I doubt very much he would even want to be good friends in the future, because his new girlfriend was one of his best friends before they got together. So it's not like he really needs me or anyone else as his best friend because he's going out with his best friend. God, that's confusing. I sound jealous, and to be honest I can completely admit I am. Not that he's got a new girlfriend, but because I'm jealous she has him as a best friend and I can't have that with him again. He most likely isn't even bothered we don't speak anymore. I wish I wasn't either, but it's hard to forget someone who was such a good friend.

I just wish we weren't ex's. Don't think I want to be his girlfriend again, I don't. I just wish you could kind of wipe away the term "ex's" because it carries so much weight with it and could stop us even becoming general friends in the future.

It's crap knowing you can't even have a general conversation with them, but it's really hard when you're having a stressful day and you can't speak to the only person who will 'get' where you're coming from. But it's harder knowing that you might never even have that good of a friendship with them again.

Basically, I just miss my best friend. 

And I'm scared I'll never have that close a friendship with anyone ever again.

(Sorry if this has been really depressing, just wanted to get it off my chest!)

Jazz